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What is so important to you that without it, life would not be worth living? Why?   
08:34am 26/03/2005
mood: lonely
It was late at night in Helsinki, and Perttu was bored. Eicca and Kirsi went out for the evening, while Paavo had all the kids at his place. Everyone had something else to do, except for him. Even his friends from the Helsinki Philharmonics were doing something that did not include him.

So Perttu turned on the computer. On nights like this, looking at the fan forum for the group always seemed to make him happier. Mostly because they loved it when he posted something. Even the silliest answers from him gain a lot of attention.

It felt nice to know that people all around the world loved the band so much.

He opened the web page, and looked through the questions his fans asked him. Some of the questions were really silly, like the "Will you marry me, Perttu!?" which seemed to put a smile on his face. Then there was that one thread where someone wanted to have his baby. That was a bit disturbing to him, but he took it with humor, like how he usually does when dealing with the fans on the forum.

One question struck a note with him. "Perttu, what would you do if you could never play music again?" He read the entire thread, which was unusual. Some of the regulars on the forum defended him by saying he would find something else to do, and to not underestimate how strong Perttu was.

The thread made him think, what would he do if he could never play music again? It has been his life since he was 5 years old, and it is the only thing he really knows what to do. Because Apocalyptica has become such a big success, he wouldn't need to get another job to support himself. Something inside of him would die, and life would not be the same.

In the reply box, he typed his answer, "die, most likely...", then hit the post button. After turning off the computer, Perttu sat down on the couch and put in "The Lord of the Rings" movies again, needing the distraction.

Muse: Perttu Kivilaakso
Fandom: RPF (Apocalyptica)
Word count: 351
What can you say is truly yours?   
12:00pm 03/03/2005
mood: annoyed
Well, I own my body. That is something I can truly say is mine. So I guess with that I can say that my talent for playing the cello is my own. But then that could be thanks to my father, because he plays cello for the Helsinki Philharmonics. He taught me how to play the cello, but it was me that had the desire to practice and better myself. Music has always been in my life.

Lets see, what else can I say is truly mine? I own a place in Helsinki, and a ton of junk in it. So that’s mine, until I destroy it (don’t ask), give it away, sell it, or throw it away. Then it no longer becomes mine, but someone else’s.

My choices, both good and bad are my own. Never thought you would hear me saying that. No not everything can be blamed on someone else. I do have enough sense to know that. (Except for some of the stuff I put in Paavo’s cello while on tour. That’s most definitely Antero’s fault because he dared me. Of course I can’t say no to a dare.)

What else is mine...my cellos? Yes, those are mine. This is a stupid question. I have better things to do like playing my Playstation. So there!

Muse: Perttu Kivilaakso
Fandom: RPF (Apocalyptica)
Word count: 219
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Have you ever regretted a wish you made? Why/what happened?   
01:19pm 16/02/2005
mood: depressed
At one time in my life, I wished to be married. Laura came into my life and we were happy for a while. I asked her to be my wife, and shortly afterwards we were married. But like with anything in my life, happiness can’t last for long. She could not take some of my abusive tendencies, only to myself, never to her. So, she left me, aching and broken hearted. I buried my pain in the bottle, for I could not bear the pain of being sober, knowing I couldn’t do anything to keep her from leaving. My band mates became my family then, helping me put back the pieces of myself Music became my salvation again, being my guide to help me love myself again.

If I could take back the hurt, I would. But I cannot change the past. Hopefully next time I fall in love, it will be different.

Muse: Perttu Kivilaakso
Fandom: RPF (Apocalyptica)
Word count: 153
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What does the word 'love' mean to you?   
02:46pm 15/02/2005

Muse: Perttu Kivilaakso
Fandom: RPF (Apocalyptica)
Word count: 1
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Hearing, Sight, Taste, Touch, and Smell. Which would be the worst one for you to lose, and why?   
10:42am 30/12/2004
  Hearing would be the worse one to lose for me. Music is life, there isn’t much else in my life that doesn’t involve music in some way shape or form. People say Beethoven became deaf, but I couldn’t fathom that. How could you play with others if you couldn’t hear? I couldn’t be apart of Apocalyptica if I couldn’t hear.

I could get away with losing my sight. You don’t need to see to play music. Wasn’t there a piece of fiction written about Antero being blind? So, it could be dealt with. Taste and smell would be unpleasant to lose, but it wouldn’t be too bad. Especially smell…just go on tour for a few months and you will see how bad socks can smell. Eicca’s socks are the worse, trust me. Oh and putting something in Paavo’s cello and letting it sit for a while doesn’t smell the best either. No, I have no idea what you mean by the fish left in there at the end of the last tour was my fault.

Not being able to feel would be difficult with playing the cello. So much depends on feeling, like how hard to bow the strings, or feeling where your fingers are on the strings. I wouldn’t want to lose that either. Although the pain in my finger would be a nice thing to lose…stupid nerve problems, the plague of string musicians.

Thankfully, I don’t have to worry about this. Still have all my senses…even if they haven’t helped me stay out of the hospital.

Muse: Perttu Kivilaakso
Fandom: RPF (Apocalyptica)
Word count: 258
Do you believe in love at first sight?   
08:40am 22/12/2004
  I do not believe in love at first sight, because love takes much longer to develop. Now lust at first sight...that is a completely different topic. There are many women that I have lusted over the first time I saw them. There were even a few guys, but we won't go into that right now. The moment I looked at them, I wanted them.

Of course, I was too shy to go up to any of them. People are always saying I am beautiful. Not really sure what they see. Um...what was I talking about?

Oh yes, love at first sight. That's something that only happens in movies. Two people's eyes meet and they fall in love, blah blah blah...full of crap. I bet if they show those same two people 10 years after the movie, they will hate each other, and never want to speak to each other again.

So, no, I don't believe in love at first sight.

Muse: Perttu Kivilaakso
Fandom: RPF (Apocalyptica)
Word count: 160
What is your New Year's Resolution?   
08:47am 20/12/2004
mood: peaceful
Eicca walked over and placed another bottle of beer into Perttu's hand, then sat down next to his younger band mate. It was a cold night in Finland, and for some reason unknown to either of them, they decided to sit on the steps outside.

"Thanks, Eicca." Perttu looked down at his bottle and got lost in his thoughts.

Eicca reached over and placed a hand on Perttu’s shoulder. "Something's bothering you. You know you can always talk with me."

Perttu sighed, and smiled slightly. "This upcoming tour mostly. I'm scared of my finger acting up again." He leaned his head on Eicca’s shoulder, needing the comfort of his best friend. At the end of the last year's tour, his middle finger developed nerve problems and the doctors told him to stop playing for several months. That was one of the hardest things Perttu ever had to do.

"Pera, it's New Year's Eve. Let your worries go for one night and come celebrate with us. You need it more than anything." He pulled Perttu into a hug.

They released each other a few moments later. A peaceful smile came over Perttu's face. "You are right, Eicca. No use worrying about something that hasn't come up yet. My finger is still doing good, and I haven't had any pain for a few weeks now. Vittu, it feels wonderful to play again."

Eicca poked Perttu slightly, producing a slight laugh out of the younger cellist. "It's good to have you back. Now, just keep up with your finger exercises over the next tour and everything will be fine. Trust me."

"How about if we make it official. My New Year's resolution this year is to take care of my finger so that I can do the only job I know how to do."

"Sounds like a plan. Now can we go back inside because it’s fucking freezing out here?"

"Fine, fine!" Perttu got up from the step, and pulled Eicca up with him. "Let's go back inside and not face the harsh Finnish winter." He paused for a moment and looked up at Eicca. "Now do you think I can go without breaking one cello, or injuring myself at all during this tour?"

Eicca smiled at Perttu. "I give the chances of that about as good as nothing ending up in Paavo's cello when Antero joins the tour half way through." They both laughed, and headed back into the house to join the rest of their friends and family in the celebrations of the end of the year.

Muse: Perttu Kivilaakso
Fandom: RPF (Apocalyptica)
Word Count: 426
Do you feel that you were born with a predetermined role in society?   
10:39am 19/12/2004
  Um…I don’t believe I have a predetermined role. That would mean that I was destined to play the cello, etc etc, yadda yadda… I mean, I’m just a musician, nothing more, nothing less. Is it predetermined that I live this way, well, I don’t think I can answer that. Gods can, humans can’t.

But I like to think that I make my own destiny. If I didn’t, then I would still be with the Hel Fil and not on the road with the band. That’s what my dad wants me to do, play classical music instead of heavy metal. But I like heavy metal and I can make more money this way. And there are insane chicks that want to marry me…that just boggles me.

What was the subject? Oh yes, predetermination…that’s a big word. Bet you didn’t think I knew it. Well ha! I have a dictionary and am not afraid to use it.

So to answer it, no I don’t have a predetermined role in society. I make my own role.

Muse: Perttu Kivilaakso
Fandom: RPF (Apocalyptica)
Word count: 173
Is there ever a good reason to get blinding drunk?   
09:15pm 21/01/2004
  If you were to ask me that a few years ago, I would have said yes. There were very good reasons to get blindly drunk. I seemed to be in a constant state of drunkenness. Which wasn’t good for the tour, me being drunk all the time.

Eicca was getting really worried about me. He tends to do that. It’s good to know that there is someone that cares about me. But my depression over Laura leaving was too much for me to handle and even Eicca could not get me out of it. I hid in the bottle. Vodka was usually the drink of choice. Whole bottles of it. Definitely got very drunk.

After a while, I realized that drinking wasn’t the answer. There was too much to live for and my music was more important. So, I sobered up, got a hold of my life, and now I won’t touch alcohol at all. Now, I cannot see a reason to get blinding drunk. The other guys might, but I rather not go down the road I was a few years ago. Loving myself is too important.

Muse: Perttu Kivilaasko
Fandom: RPF (Apocalyptica)
Word count: 188